How To (Actually) Enjoy Social Media & Create A Blissful Feed

You're gonna need thick skin... And your own unique sparkle!

Art by Ashley Longshore, and a great rule of thumb!

I love this question from Josephine, and it really made me think!

Here’s my perspective, as an Aquarius rising who has been actively online since 1996.

Even today, after having been online for 27 years, I still see the internet as I did when I first explored it. It’s the ultimate playground for freedom and flirting with your future self. Everything is available here — how fabulous! — and as a result, with these infinite possibilities swimming around us, it all comes down to where we choose to focus.

“Always remember: in an infinity of worlds, anything is not only possible, it's mandatory." — Neil Gaiman

Social media is simply a tool. It is neutral, like a fork or a toothbrush! But of course, in the wrong hands, a fork can be used to pluck out an eye, and in prison, a toothbrush can become a shiv! (Oh my.) It is up to us to decide how we are going to use this tool. Will we use it for our growth and evolution, or will we use it to hunt out stories that make us feel bad about humanity? Even Hamlet said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Good ol’ Willy Shakespeare knew his shit.

We can use social media to uplift or depress ourselves. We can see it as a joyful lane for self-expression, or we can get hung up on algorithms, trends, validation and rules. We can view other people’s lives as an example of what is possible, or we can allow jealousy and comparison to crush us into dust.

Many people are choosing the second option, and as a consequence, their lives are miserable. I believe that in life, it is not about what happens to you, it is about the meaning you ascribe to it. It is about the lens you view it through. Will you let the negative moments close you down in fear… Or will they fuel you with fire to keep going?

I’ve been online so fucking long that I now know that whatever happens on the internet is essentially inconsequential. What might seem like the most scandalous thing on your feed doesn’t matter one iota to the person walking past your house. People get cancelled and come back; scandals break and recede; someone’s the hot thing today and no one remembers them tomorrow. And I suppose having this knowledge is simply a function of living so long! 👵🏻 I’m not that old, really, but after 40 years, I’ve developed an ability to bird’s-eye-view almost everything.

But of course, I remember the days when I would read screeds of hateful comments directed at me and feel sick to my stomach. I remember that when my ex-husband and I separated, and we hadn’t publicly announced it yet, because we were still fucking GRIEVING, some freaks from a forum called his realtor on the phone to try to find out if we were still together. 🥴 I remember feeling like I was being criticized for everything I did or said. It was a very “special” (read: unpleasant) time!

Okay, so why didn’t all that drama make me quit?

Because I love writing more than those people tried to make me hate it. Because I’m not in the practice of letting fear dictate my choices. Because imagine allowing a bunch of tragic, anonymous nobodies to control your life! Couldn’t be me.

Wherever you go and whatever you do in life, you will be criticized for it by somebody. (Check out the endless 1-star Amazon reviews on every great work of literature!) There will always be more critics than creators, because criticism is easy and creation causes you to rub up against challenge time and time again. So if you’re called to create, if you feel that you have something to share with the world, please create with joy, knowing that the reception doesn’t matter anywhere near as much as the pure ecstasy of bringing an idea to life.

“You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” — Jim Carrey

Without any further ado…

My rules for social media sanity.

Online hatred is a real thing, and knowing that it will happen to you is important. Like, it’s coming. There is no amount of political correctness, toeing the line, etc., that will keep you safe from this. When it does occur, you just have to feel sorry for those people, because you and I both know that no healthy, happy person devotes time to desecrating others in an online comment section. Truly: those people are sick. Wryly, in your mind, thank them for the free publicity, go for a walk, and spend time with people who love you. Oh and also: never read the comments.

How to develop a thick skin. Sadly, this only happens with time and experience, by which I mean, you haven’t lived until a thread of jealous, cranky old bitches have spent hours dissecting every iota of your life! I remember once getting an email death threat from some coward who had seen me walking down Second Avenue in New York. Ooh, I tell you, I wish a bitch would! I’m sure after she sent it, she went back to compulsively masturbating and overfeeding her cats.

Internet warriors are all cowards. This is a fact, and relates to my death threat. For the amount of shitty comments I’ve received, you’d think I would have received one to my face too! IT’S NEVER HAPPENED. I haven’t even met someone who made a Nina Katz-esque face. (Shout out to my fellow SATC fans who caught that reference.) Even if they’re mad at me on the inside, people are always pleasant IRL. Just one more reason to give zero fucks about what’s said within the realms of this big old hologram we call the internet.

Okay, enough about haters, because yawn. What else would go in my survival guide?

Don’t repeat your patterns from high school online. What I mean by this is, don’t try to impress the “cool girls” of your industry, don’t pretend to enjoy things you don’t care about, and certainly don’t get yourself into a pile of debt to flaunt your material possessions on Instagram. (As they say in Bring It On, “Let’s not put the duh in dumb.”) Being yourself is free, so flaunt it!

People talk a lot about “personal brand” and really, all that means is that who you are on the inside and what you share to the outside world are a match. It’s always unsettling when you meet someone who is flat and surly IRL when their online persona is full of “😊‎️‍🌈🕊️🙏”! Truly: be yourself!

Remember that the people you admire do not follow trends, they are trend-setters, and act accordingly. Resist the urge to copy others, especially when it comes to business. Someone else’s formula works for them because they love it — I swear it’s more about the energy than the strategy — and trying to copy-paste it into your own business will never work.

The more you show up as your true weird self, the more like-minded people you’ll attract. This is one of the secrets of my success. I don’t box myself in, I follow my weird whims and interests, and I let my enthusiasm move me. As a result, I have cultivated the most amazing people — yes, that’s you, sitting there reading this — who really get me. Whenever people guest teach within The Vortex, they are incredulous at what a fabulous group shows up. Thank god for the internet bringing us together. It’s such a gift. I love you guys!

Live your real life, and don’t go places just because it’ll make for a good photo. I really cringe when people need to document, photograph and film every single moment of their lives. You probably do not need 3000 identical photos of you in every social setting. Just relax. Actually be with people, and put your fucking phone down.

Keep some things sacred. You do not need to share every aspect of your life. Don’t worry, we all make this mistake in the beginning! After getting it wrong many times before, I do not share about my relationship anymore, and if I had children, I wouldn’t share about them either. Ever. People are weird, man. Why make it easier for them?! If you do feel tempted to share about these things, ask yourself, “What is the upside of this?” (validation and likes) and “What is the downside of this?” (criticism, obsession, giving weirdos fuel to use later, etc.) Honestly, it’s just not worth it, and you don’t owe anyone access to every piece of your life.

All that glitters is not gold. When you’re scrolling, remind yourself: you are looking at a hologram, and it isn’t real. You might observe influencers who get massive and think they are living the life of Riley (whatever that means), but honestly, good (and lasting) things take time. A lot of people have a big audience and a crappy life; a lot of people have a big audience and still have no way to generate a meaningful income; a lot of people have a big audience and fold under the pressure, duck into obscurity, and never return. Huge amounts of followers and going viral isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Really investigate your desire for fame or notoriety. If you want to be big so that you can help or serve people, that’s fabulous. But if you look inside and know that really it’s about trying to make yourself feel good, shore up the gaps in your ego, or prove yourself to the world… You are in for a rough ride.

Show up to help. This is the easiest way to extract your ego from the whole, gnarly mess. I really do understand the temptation to share a banging photo, trust me, but always do your best to come back to being of service. When you can refocus your efforts so that it’s not about you and instead it’s about who you can help, it keeps your mind clear and your purpose true.

Take breaks regularly. Set time limits for apps on your phone, keep your phone out of the bedroom entirely, take weekends off from social media, and taking a good week away is extremely helpful to reset your mind. Life goes on outside of the screen, and you’re probably missing a lot of it!

Don’t take it personally. Your likes are not equal to your value as a person. Please read that again.

Use social media as an enormous and ever-evolving vision board. Follow people that inspire and uplift you. Post things that make you feel good or help move you towards the place you want to go. Make like Marie Kondo and unfollow or mute anyone who doesn’t spark joy, and remove from your followers list anyone that makes you feel you have to dim your light or pretend to be someone other than who you really are.

Only post when you FEEL it. Again, I swear, the energy is everything. As my love Angel Phoenix says, “If you want your content to make people feel something, make your content from a place of feeling. If it doesn’t move you, it’s not going to move them.”

Boundaries are hot. Gleefully block anyone who acts like an asshole in your general direction. This is your house, not the town square, and you are under zero obligation to let everyone inside.

And if it’s really not feeling good, no matter how many tweaks you make… It’s okay to step away entirely. Contrary to popular belief, your life will go on just fine if you don’t have Instagram. I promise. Let Alexandra Franzen be your guide!

I hope this helps.

Love always,