How To Give Yourself A Queer Eye Makeover

What would happen if the Fab 5 had their way with you?!

I couldn’t resist editing myself in. Don’t we look good together?!

Gosh, isn’t Queer Eye delightful, life-affirming television?! The new season is rocking my world right off its axis. I’m in tears almost every episode. And I’m sure this has happened to you while watching too — you end up thinking, “Hmm, I wonder what would happen if the Fab 5 got their hands on me?”

Well, maybe no one has nominated you for their help, but that’s okay. You can makeover your entire existence, using just a pinch of inspiration from the Fab 5. I’m going to walk you through Fab 5-ing your own life!

Let’s put aside a day — maybe this weekend — to view your life through a different lens. I want you to walk out of your house, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, then turn around and walk back inside. As you do this, I want you to see with new eyes. Observe your home as if you’ve never seen it before. What do you notice?

ANTONI

We’ll begin in the kitchen, because it’s a straight-forward and simple place to begin. Sadly, Antoni and his terrific arms aren’t here to help, but we can channel him! Maybe slip into a little Antoni attitude and wrinkle your nose as you start to toss shit out!

• Are the countertops cluttered with unnecessary stuff? What can be minimized or downsized? Do you really need the toaster out if you’re not using it every day? Clean it up, baby!

• Go through your fridge and toss every single piece of expired food. Make a note of repeat offenders — is there something you buy every week that you never get around to eating? Could meal prep help cut down on food wastage? (The answer is always yes.)

• What’s in the fridge? Is everything processed? Is it time to work in more fresh fruit and vegetables, rather than grabbing something out of a box?

• Consider your goals. Do you want to lose weight? Gain weight? Add muscle? If so, is the food in your kitchen helping move you closer or further away from this goal? If you want to add muscle, are you eating enough protein? (Almost certainly not.) The good news is, it’s incredibly easy to figure these things out. You might begin by googling, as I did, “how do people eat enough protein?” Reddit has thousands of threads on this very subject. You could even use ChatGPT to create you a meal plan for the week that hits every macro. Simple!

TAN

Your closet says so much about you. Is it in disarray, or is it color-coded and impeccably kept? Is it loaded with 55 different personalities, or does it feel aesthetically aligned? Do your clothes fit who you were 20 pounds ago, or do they actually make you feel good in the here and now?

• Think about your lifestyle. Do you have a wardrobe that makes sense for someone in an office, when you work from home and have 3 kids? Or are you overloaded on leggings (#guilty) and struggling to find something nice to wear to dinner? Is it all sneakers and no heels, or vice versa? Where are the gaps in your closet? Make a list!

• Come up with 3 words that you’d like to connect with when you are dressed and out in the world. These might be words like “confident, zany and structured” or “bright, exciting and flowy” — you get the idea. Now, go through your wardrobe and mercilessly scrap anything that does not hit the bull’s-eye on at least one of those words.

• Color, color, color. Almost everyone looks better in color than they do in black. I know that sometimes black can feel like a security blanket, because you think it’s hiding or disguising your so-called flaws, but really, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You deserve to CELEBRATE yourself, not hide away! A little (or big!) pop of color brings everyone alive, and it is just so much fun!

• Toss out all underwear that creates panty lines, or cuts your boob in half, or makes you bulge because it’s too tight. You want a balance of nude underwear (so it can’t be seen under clothing) and sexy, zesty stuff that makes you feel beautiful, depending on the occasion!

JVN

Grooming is everything and we all know it. Have you left your hair untouched for so long that it has become a long, drab curtain? Does your hair have movement and shape? Does the color make you look like you’re glowing from the inside?

• If you’re unsure about what color suits you, do a little research! You can load a picture into FaceApp, and use it to experiment with different hair colors. Take some screenshots, and then take those to your colorist!

• You’re a grown-up, baby, and that means you should have an actual hairstyle, not just an uncontrollable mass of hair. Get a hot cut that gives you movement, texture, and bounce!

• So many people compliment my pink hair and then say “Oh, but I could never…” Says who?! You only get one life, honey, and even if I’m wrong and you get reincarnated, you might end up as an insect with no hair to speak of. A tragedy, for sure! So, you wanna make a change? The time is now!

• The devil is in the details, as they say. Could you use some eyebrow shaping or tinting? A good shave of the face? (Getting all that peach fuzz off is a real game-changer.) Are you wearing SPF (and putting it all the way down to your cleavage)? And look, not to push it on anyone, but a lil’ hit of Botox can really wake up the face.

KARAMO

Bless him, Karamo does a beautiful job, and without him, we’re going to have to work a little harder, but it’s not impossible. Ask yourself, “What is it that I really want in my life, and don’t have yet?” Once you know the answer, it’s time to put yourself through a little bootcamp!

• Search Amazon for some books on the subject. So often we feel alone with our problems, but I promise you, if you’re going through it, someone else did too, and even better, they wrote a book about their experience. Order a few with the best reviews, and devote 20 minutes a day to reading, or just listen to them on Audible as you go about your day.

• Look for support. Again, you are not alone. The benefits of coming together with other people who look like you, or are dealing with the same issues you are, cannot be overestimated. Sometimes you don’t even need these people to help you solve the problem, it’s just about knowing you are supported and welcome. Where to find these people? You might think I’m kidding, but meetup.com is a great place to start!

• Get outside of your comfort zone. No meaningful change occurs when you’re sitting in your house, doing the same old thing every single day. You are going to need to push yourself, to do things that make you gasp, if you want to effect a true transformation. You can do it!

BOBBY

The quintessential Virgo, Bobby has a major boner for function, efficiency and style. The home transformations he does literally make me gasp. While you may not have a Virgo at the helm and a team of people to help re-do your home, there are definitely shifts you can make to improve your living space!

• Ask yourself, “What are my priorities?” Is it to have a relaxing space to cuddle up with your paramour? Do you need a desk where you can focus on the next project? Focus most of your attention on creating this.

• Need inspiration? Thank God for Pinterest! Even on Target.com, they’ll show images of a room that they’ve put together using their products, which is often the way to go if you’re feeling really unsure. Buying a piece here and there can mean you end up with discordant items that just don’t work. There’s nothing wrong with buying pieces that were designed to go together — in fact, that’s why decor is designed this way!

• Your bed should be the focus of the room. Get yourself a great bed frame — no sleeping on the floor please — and some luxurious bedding. (Linen is always my favorite and you can get it at a fabulous price on Amazon.) Also, make an effort to keep your bedroom minimal and uncluttered. Less (furniture) is always more!

• And never underestimate the power of a coat of paint and some big, bold art!

GALA

Okay, you didn’t ask, but if I were part of the Fab 5, here’s what I’d do with you…

• I’d ask you what your biggest goal is, and then I would ask you why you think you’re not there yet. We’d create a custom tapping sequence to help you eradicate the limiting beliefs and boring old stories that are keeping you small and stuck. I’d have you do this every morning in the mirror!

• I’d prescribe you time alone to be with your thoughts: to talk to your inner child, to journal, to go within and hear your own guidance, rather than that of the world around you.

• We’d talk about the things you loved to do as a child, and I’d help you find a way to work that into your everyday life, because I truly believe that what lit you up when you were little is still sparkling inside you… And that it’s a key to deep satisfaction and joy!

• We would work on de-armoring your heart so that you could start to be truly vulnerable with the people in your life… And also on boundaries, so you can tell unhealthy people to fuck off!

xo,

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