What Really Happened In My MDMA Ceremony

Turning on the chandelier in my subconscious mind 💡

Microdosing psilocybin is a slippery slope, you know. Because once you start to notice the ways in which your mind is opening up, the opportunities become really exciting. You start to wonder, ‘What else is in there that I’m unaware of?’ And eventually, as they say, curiosity kills the cat.

I wasn’t new to MDMA. I used it recreationally for years, and had a major moment of breakthrough back in 2006, when I used MDMA in combination with tapping to heal my eating disorder in one session. I knew that it was a therapeutic gift: that it allowed you to calm down the hyperactive amygdala and work through traumatizing or painful moments with objectivity and calm. And in my work with microdosing, which had opened me tremendously, I felt ready to look at what was blocking me at a deeper level.

I was introduced to my MDMA guide (let’s call her B) by my microdosing guide (let’s call her K). B and I worked together over Zoom first, doing many sessions where we discussed my intentions, where I felt stuck, and what I hoped to move or shift. These introductory sessions were very important: they helped us build trust, learn about one another, create clarity and a connection.

Finally, it was time. That morning, the air felt crackly and electric; thick grey skies with a threat of rain. I ate a light breakfast of grapefruit, and drank as many electrolytes as my body would permit.

At 10am, B arrived at my front door, wearing purple harem pants and sparkly sandals, holding a mercury glass vase, overflowing with pink roses with lavender trim. She filled my fridge with soup and freshly-sliced watermelon, gave my dogs little cookies, and started to energetically clear my space with smoke.

Before we got started, we went down to the ocean to talk about the ceremony. Sitting at a picnic table, I told her that even though many different intentions had come and gone over the preceding weeks, I now felt free to simply sit with whatever might appear.

I knew that ultimately, I wanted to drop the armor around my heart so that I could expand in love. And that, as an intention, felt good enough for me.

We came back to the house, and at 11:42am, she served me a capsule containing 120mg of MDMA.

The ceremony begins.

I thought my MDMA ceremony would have me giddy, hearts-in-my-eyes like a pink-haired cartoon character, spiraling through a cosmos of pure love, writing poems, rolling naked on the floor on a sheepskin rug, making ecstatic phone calls like Mr Burns.